How the other half live.....

" I think that it is important to think of pain as your common enemy, not as a part of your wife or baggage that comes with her. It is something outside of both of you that impacts both of you and that can kill your marriage." Pete Beisner - 23 Tips for men on supporting a partner  with chronic pain.

As that cold breeze we've all noticed the past week blows in my sleepy, pale face on the walk to work it's a impending reminder that the season we chronically ill and immune suppressed dread the most, is almost upon us.
It's starts with our annual flu jab, hoarded in like cattle on Saturday morning as not to disrupt the 'normal' sick peoples appointments midweek, stabbed in the arm then sent on our way to feel lousy for a few days, then ends 5 months later rearing our pasty yet red nosed faces from under the duvet, recovering from our 6th or 7th virus, cold or stomach bug of the season.
Not quite in hibernation mode yet, like a human barometer, my body is already predicting the warning signs of the wintery months to come, the needle pointing decidedly firm at 'unsettled' with my chest a little tight, my throat sore and my body aching and creaking like an old boat. (Much more than usual anyway). Week by week I descend into the unknown, a multitude of germs squeaking with joy at the presence of my shitty immune system, my body the host for their two week caribbean holiday complete with pool party.
While the pressure in the weather changes, so does the pressure in our household and in our relationship. With winter,  comes the period where I am at my upmost reliant on the wonderful SuperMark. It coincides with the exact same moment in space and time that Mark worries most about me and the potential outcome of me becoming ill with the simplest of ailments.

For the next 5 months our priorities change dramatically and the nuptial promises of 'In sickness and in health' are used to the fullest capacity.  Already the bathroom is overdue a wipe and the washbasket bursting at the seams, all because I have felt a little rubbish this past week and my day off will simply be to lay on the couch and rest. The limited time Mark has after work is spent making sure we eat and that the kitchen doesn't start to resemble something like one of those scruffy eccentrics they feature on channel 4 TV programmes.
But living with somebody like me takes a lot more than just being prepared to take on the household chores when I'm sick.  With the latest virus taking host, the equal partnership of our marriage becomes very one sided, with each frosty day the increasing fear of antibiotics goes hand in hand with me having to rely on Mark to do everything whilst feeling helpless and guilty for not functioning properly... I call it the chronic guilt.   A burden we chronically ill drag around with us every day like a misbehaving child in full tantrum mode, reminding you that you always need help, embarrassing you in public places and often getting looks of misplaced sympathy or disapproval at your inability to cope.

It's true to say that going through a traumatic experience as a couple can make or break the relationship. As the other half of a lupus sufferer it's the one perspective that's difficult to understand for us. Swamped with our own anxieties and pain, we are often the most selfish half of the relationship, and that is presuming the relationship is on steady ground. It's so easy to become so self involved with your own misfortune that you disregard the view from the other side of the bridge, slipping into a destructive  routine of him giving and you taking.  Surely it's important to remember that you mustn't take all this extra care, support and attention given as expected?  If asked to describe how Mark copes with my illness and why he didn't run a mile while he had the chance, I wouldn't know where to begin and would probably trivialise the question by saying something sarcastic like 'he's a glutton for punishment.'

Setting aside my fear about the future, I do feel an incredible sadness that the life we initially hoped for together has inevitably changed, that the life he is tied to with me, is of far less a quality than what he truly deserves.  I do not wish upon him the constant fear or worry that my condition could change at any time,  the expectation to rely on him more and more as I get older, far more than the promise of a wedding vow.

O ye of little faith

" If you possess a strong belief in God and also endure a chronic illness, you probably have struggled with your faith. Why hasn’t God made you well? Without doubt you have prayed for just such a miracle, as have friends and family. The fact that your physical pain remains month after month -- or even year after year -- may well have caused you heavy discouragement.  It is easy to assume that if one seeks to live by God’s will and loves Him, God will always relieve that one’s physical suffering. Yet, there you are -- or someone you know and love -- still bound by pain, disease or disability. Does the lack of physical relief mean that there is something wrong spiritually?" - Cecil Maranville, Meaningful Hope for Christians for Chronic illness.

After my first week's rest during a recent fortnight of annual leave from work, I found myself considerably rested, (a great honour from lupus and his little achey fatigue buddies) dressed,breakfasted, medicated and half way to the local swimming pool at 9am on a Sunday morning. As I reached the corner of the road to my destination I paused for a split second and watched as families happily entered the church situated next door, I watched their  faces as they wholeheartedly and without any doubt made their way through the welcoming arched wooden doorway, eager to show their faith and belief. Not for the first time since I have been ill,  I felt a very natural instinct follow the crowd and enter the calm tranquillity even most  atheists couldn't deny exists within a church building.
Within 2 minutes that intention is gone and I am back to my original plan of pacing up the road to swim 15 lengths and burn off the previous nights spicy beef and noodles (homemade of course).

The trouble is, I feel conflicted. On one hand I feel like going through those doors would give me comfort and reassurance for the path in life I now find myself on, give me opportunity to say 'hey thanks, I owe you one, I'm still here' and offer me momentary solitude to consider all the additional thoughts and adaptations I now have to integrate into this alien and unexpected lifestyle
But on the other I hand I feel I would want answers,  and like the eternal cliche I'd want to know ' So why me then?  What was the point? I was fine with the way things were' and so the doubt comes in.

It's a question I've considered so often since, if God exists why would he make me suffer like I did, put me through 6 months of torture, terrified of going to sleep in case I didn't wake up and scar my body from knee to ribcage, something I have to see every day in  the mirror, a remorseless reminder of the whole period. And then the table turns again.. Why am I still here? There was a day in April 2011 where my body completely shut down, my kidneys barely functioning and the fluid on my lungs causing heart failure, strapped up to machines and wires in every possible vein and artery when something or somebody decided 'not yet'.
Was it all those prayers mum kept telling me people we're saying for me? The congregation of my Mother in laws church in Skelmersdale who we're told to keep me in their daily prayers? Or my own strength of mind? the actions of quick thinking critical care staff? The decisions of my consultant and the right medication?

If it was the latter, why do I still want answers?

It may be human nature, it it may just be me, but I still question why and feel like over 2 years on I'm sat on the fence - the church fence that is.
Common sense and the facts of science and evolution make me highly critical and very unaccepting of the Bible and what it tells you to believe. It's validity is null and void to me and always has been, never a regular church goer and irritated by those who knock at your door eager to preach and convert I still keep a very open mind. Never one to dismiss something or someone at first glance, I still feel a sense of a bigger meaning to life, a plan and that there are more answers out there for everyone. Is this a type of faith? or something we have that as humans, don't fully understand and so seek answers to fulfil a spiritual void in our lives.

It's amazing the thoughts and questions that occur to you when you go through a life changing experience or serious illness. For me, everything I once had faith in has gone through a massive metamorphis. Aside from the basic skills we learn as a child, language, walking, reading. I feel like I have had to relearn nearly everything in my life and by default meaning I needed to have utmost faith in myself. After 6 months not working and reliant on my family and Mark for the simplest of things, I had to learn how to be around people again and multitask, learn how to admit defeat when tired, not to worry about the small things, still learning not to feel guilty about not being as strong, healthy or fast paced as everyone around me.
The presence of a chapel and Chaplin in every hospital is an advocacy for faith as a coping mechanism during serious illness. A necessity for the chronically ill and their families whom need ability to seek sanctuary and prayer during difficult times.  The occasions I was wheeled past that chapel at York hospital I felt nothing but resentment at that time, it was a place to direct my anger compiled with guilt for all those that I was told had said a prayer for me.  Could it be I do really believe deep down inside? The fact that I resented the chapel and what it represented surely meant there had to have been something tucked away somewhere and I would have gone down a whole other route.
So is faith just a way of providing ourselves with comfort?  We perhaps seek comfort from religion as a way of giving us hope that things will get better in the end, but how does that give us relief in the mean time..?  Is what we are doing just procrastinating and filling our time with perhaps misplaced hope until we come out of the bad times and then exclaim 'my faith got me through'.  Did it? Or was it a channel ( like many others, counselling, exercise, holidays) that was cathartic to your needs, frustrations and sadness at the situation. Why should it be proclaimed above all else as the perfect ointment to heal all manner of human ailments and illness..?

One thing I am certain of is that it wasn't religious faith that helped me cope through those awful months, but a belief in myself and a stubborn determination that I was going to get better and get married. It was this and the love of my family and beautiful friends that got me through the gates and halfway to the finish line, and are still keeping me on track today.  And for that reason only when I have reason to be in a holy place... I will light a candle and say 'Thanks'.

For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you— that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine. - ROMANS 1: 11-12

Lonely are the brave

There is just a brief period of time just once a week that I cherish so gratefully, a time where I feel I am completely in control and that powerlessness fades for just 20 minutes. 20 minutes that are completely mine.  On a weekend  morning when the normal world snoozes, I leave home down our sleepy cul de sac and up the lane to work. It's a time of day that you share only with the paperboy and early morning dog walker's. The world is silent and I am alone. In the best way possible.
Several things remain true to Claire pre 2011.
1. I still get annoyed by people who come along and press the button at pedestrian crossings when you've been stood there for ages, and clearly already pushed it.
2. I'm impatient when I'm hungry, ovens don't work fast enough when my belly's rumbling.
3. I'm still convinced Mark got a pay off by my family to marry me, funded by some hidden
secret fortune.
4. Saturday dinner always has to be something nice to look forward too. I do not like salad and baked potato on a Saturday.
5. I  am like an elephant - not in the overeating wibbly belly sense (well maybe a little after last nights curry) - but that I never forget, especially faces.
6. I have three personalities, One a confident manager, can talk to a customer at work about anything and everything, another a quiet, slightly introverted in new or unfamiliar company, often mistaken as rude or standoffish and the last is the real me, the face my true friends see, loyal and generous to a fault and constantly wanting to try and make everyone happy.
I am not the same person I once was, remnants and flickers remain but nearly everything has changed and shifted and to be brutally honest not always for the better. Finding a role for myself in this whole new and unusual world that is completely entangled with mazes, riddles, false starts and dead ends is proving a battle far greater for my state of mind than 6 months of isolation and chemotherapy.  I felt like I was on route down this straight road with signs in the distance directing me right ahead, now I feel I've been pushed down a side road, done a U turn and been redirected the long way round through back roads.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished, not for any wrong doing but for the choices I've had no alternative but to make since I got very ill. Either through recommendations from doctors or by my hand being forced in certain circumstances, not one of the decisions I've made have been deep down heart and soul what I have wanted to do. It makes for a lonely existence not having the choices and options other people do so easily take for granted, I admire endlessly the positivity of those individuals that are sicker or less fortunate, I imagine their distaste at my self indulgent moaning at circumstances that to them, must seem trivial. 
But yet to me it feels like a hole, a missing piece of the puzzle and my sense of isolation is just the result of the powerlessness you feel when you are at the mercy of your own body's ineffectiveness.
There was a time 3 years ago when as arrogant as it sounds, I felt like I was on top of the world. Proud of my achievements, a wonderful partner, family and a job that I felt I was well respected and admired in. How rapidly, by a twist of circumstance, I discovered that most of it can all come undone. With the exception of my family and Mark it all fast became worthless and unrecognisable, with me in turn not recognising myself. From the outside everything seemed fine and with life as we know it carried on.  But in reality I struggled to identify with nearly everything I once knew and still to this very day trying to find a place in this whole new world.

State of mind

Today I am more tired than tired. The overwhelming desire to go home and sleep only defeated by the fact I have nobody to replace me at work due to the other manager being in holiday and the fact I am a stubborn arsehole and probably wouldn't let work down anyway.  Like clockwork when I am in charge and have loads to do, I am ill again with a cold and have two more days before I can rest. The rotten irony of this situation is fast becoming normality, along with having sick bugs or other viral nasties when I do actually have some time off to recharge my fizzling lupus batteries. This in turn spoiling any niceties or escapism that I had planned.
The thing with lupus is, no matter how hard you try not to let it control your life - retaining some semblance of normality outside of blood tests, hospital appointments and 12 tablets a day - it still always seems to have it's way.  Like a viscious circle you always end up back where you started. It's like groundhog day just without the eccentric antics of Bill Murray and that cute beaver thing.
You can ask my long suffering husband, I'm probably the most stubborn person you can meet - a trait that I no doubt inherited from my mother (I love you mum) -  adamant not to be defeated or told what to do by anyone, never mind submit to an illness that thinks it's ok to try and bump me off 5 months before I get married.
My greatest fear when it comes to my health, are the potential consequences of my unwillingness to relent to the sneaky hidden agenda of my illness. Everyday I live with the thought of am I doing too much? If I do 5 days at work is that going to make me tired? If I get too stressed is that going to cause problems with my blood pressure?? Then problems again with my heart?
But what is the alternative, am I supposed to hide away, rot in my own self pity? Or carry on, even if life is that bit harder.
The way I see it is you can go down one of two paths. You can follow the easy path but walk in the dark or you can follow the hard path, with sharp bends and steep hills but is well lit so you can see ahead.
It's so easy for me to say isn't it? I recovered well and finally have a job where I'm neither made to feel like an incapable imbecile nor treated like a nobody because of illness. I'm not reliant on battling the benefits system and have a wonderful supportive family. Some people aren't so lucky, and in this situation do they have the right to feel more defeated and take the easier option?
If you don't have that support network I can see how easy it can be to slip into that negative state of mind and use your illness to blame everything that has gone wrong or a reason not to try something new. God knows I've done it! But there comes a point where you realise that life just continues on, people will get up and go to work, cars will be washed, dogs walked and the world carries on turning, it's a simple choice. Go with it and try or get left behind. You don't have to run a marathon or jump out of an aeroplane, it's changing a thought pattern and then doing, instead of just wishing.
I have lupus, it doesn't have me.

Life on pause VS Survival of the fittest

I apologise for the distinct lack of my indulgent ramblings recently, it's been a busy and tiring few weeks. The excuse again? It is my stubborn insistence (along with the financial benefits of saving a deposit for our own home) to work full time like a normal person. Unfortunately yet another BOGOF offer of my situation means that after 9 hours on my feet running after 2 year olds and selling the parents their summer wardrobes - which, just for record I thoroughly adore! - I find it pretty hard to string a sentence together and so the blog writing goes on the back burner, and the reality of cooking Mark's tea and putting a load of washing in before my knees buckle takes over. I call it my reserve battery power, an extra 'spoon' saved to the end of the day (God bless the spoon theory).
Another reason of course is as the weeks tick by for my beautiful friend Fiona Stewart and her imminent pink bundle of joy, the quicker my knitting needles are whipping in and out and covering my living room floor in multi coloured wool strand cut offs. This is probably the more deserving excuse for my blog distraction, I am seemingly addicted to making (and buying) outfits for this little girl, it's far too exciting! 
Other than procrastinating via mass knitting, I have found it genuinely difficult to write these past few weeks, my mind a little clogged with stresses of everyday life. I've felt overwhelmed with trying to maintain some normality and once again forgetting that I am not normal and cannot carry on regardless like those alongside me.
This truth in itself has been getting to me, again like so often before I have felt that black cloud looming not far in the distance creating shadows and a cool breeze in my little patches of sunshine, obscuring my view of the landscape ahead by putting a block down in front of me like a red 'no through road' sign. Then I feel like I am standing still and watching a film of other peoples lives on fast forward, and as I have felt from time to time for two and a half years now,  I feel like I am going in slow motion. I am not unhappy, not at all, but I feel very observant and aware of the lives being lived and progressing forward in front of me.  I know that life is not a race, sometimes you are ahead, sometimes you are behind and the only competitor you face is yourself  - as the saying goes.  But it can be disheartening being in the back row for such a long time, perhaps I am a sore loser when lagging behind but sometimes it would be nice to be in 3rd place not 4th.
We can't see inside peoples minds or lives, but it amazes me how some people manage to coordinate so many things in their lives and seemingly breeze from one project or activity to another without a smudge of makeup, a complaint of tiredness and a full iPhone battery. Are these people filling a huge emotional gap in their lives with zumba classes on a Monday, yoga on Tuesday, cinema with their (i hate the term) BFF on Wednesday, gym Thursday, drinks after work Friday and a trip to Manchester shopping on Saturday. Are they leading a perfect life? Or have these people just perfected the art of living life to its fullest, flitting from here to there absorbing an abundance of experiences. Thus surviving the drain and monotony of everyday life, proving they are the fittest by breaking the routine  we all cling to for normality.
As a sufferer of a chronic illness I envy the energy of those able to incorporate just two extra curricula activities as well as work full time. But do I notice these things more because I can't do them to the frequency others can?  I do believe that there is an irony to the whole situation and I apologise in advance for morbidity if of it. None of us know really when our time is up, but I find it odd that those blessed with health and longevity have energy and chances to cram as much into their lives as possible, when those that are much more aware of their own mortality and limited by a chronic illness, aren't always blessed with the ability to fill each day with exciting opportunities.

Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. Do not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless. Do not let your years slip through your fingers by living in the past, nor in the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. Do not be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly. Do not dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose. Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. - Anonymous

Around the world in 80 Facebook updates.

On Friday May 10th, I sat in the staffroom at work and as I scrolled down my Facebook feed I  felt that familiar lump in my throat - something I get a lot these days, i'm such a cry baby - and began to well up as post after post from my friends and family appeared on the screen reiterating my update earlier in the day that it was world Lupus day.  World Lupus Day is the one day a year that all of us 'lupies' around the globe unite with one conscious thought...... to annoy all you fit and healthy people and bombard our Facebook and twitter feeds with lupus facts, information, funny pictures, poems and yet more encouragement to take note of what we have have to deal with or even better, take a minute and have a quick read about it.
As I sat there on my coffee break halfway through the morning I was overwhelmed already by the response, re-sharing of this blog, comments showing their support and directions to the charity page.  By 11am I had already seen 5 shares and reposts, that's 5 friends that had shared the information with between 100 - 500 of their own friends, that's 500 - 2500 that will have seen the word LUPUS in their newsfeed that day, 500 - 2500 people that could potentially have a look and see what it is, 500 - 2500 more people that will understand better how debilitating the disease is, 500 - 2500 more people who will care and know more about Lupus when perhaps they meet someone with the disease.
The point i'm trying to get across is that you may not think that your contribution of sharing or mentioning it would matter much, but actually you can see for yourself from the example above how many people you could reach.
Everyday we have to explain to somebody new what this illness is and how it affects us, everyday we are met with blank stares and expressions when you mention the word Lupus, everyday you get the distinct impression that people don't quite understand how serious it is just by telling them.  I don't blame them, but perhaps they would understand more if they went away and read about it, for some strange reason there is something more believable about reading something in black and white than taking it at face value from someone you have spoken too.
I know at times to a lot of people i may sound repetitive, sometimes i can almost hear the eyes rolling in peoples head as i waffle on about Lupus yet again, but the reason is because there is always somebody who doesn't know yet.  I can't impress on people enough how important awareness is, it's so easy to ignore the information or words in front of you and think 'it doesn't affect me or my family so why should i be interested?' I mean, we all have busy lives and our own problems don't we?
A survey conducted by the LFA (Lupus Foundation of America) of 1000 adults concluded that 62% of people had either only heard of the word LUPUS or had no knowledge of what it was at all and this is a country that is far more medically advanced in the treatment of lupus, lupus research and awareness, so can you imagine what results would be produced here in the UK?
When i first started in my new job, i filled in a medical declaration form to inform them of all the medication i receive, my medical history and how it could affect my employment.  A few days into the role i was taken aside my regional manager who assured me she understood Lupus, the medications i have to take and asked my what she could do to help.  This simple exchange of words blew me away, such a basic act from an almost stranger at that point, the fact they had taken a second just to say i understood, i know how bad it is,  you don't have to explain - restored my faith that people can and will use an opportunity to learn.
Awareness is understanding, it's open mindedness and consideration of others, it makes us better friends, employers and colleagues. Just having that one piece of empathy and understanding or even just knowing that one fact when someone tells you something serious or important about themselves, can make their whole day.
If we could take anything away from May 10th, it should be that taking one minute out of your day to learn something new, could change someone else's day for the better.  If we took that minute every week how many days could we change for people in the future?

A little history... Part 2

On 10th February 2011 exactly 4 months to the day i was due to get married I was told my kidneys were failing, or in medical terms stage 4/5 renal failure with proliferative overlap.  This monster of a disease had silently crept past the basic medication I had been taking for just over a year and started eating slowly away at my kidneys. 4 months before my wedding I was slowly filling with fluid as my body refused to process the toxins out. 4 months before my wedding i was told i wouldn't work for a year. 4 months before my wedding i was told i had to have 6 months of a chemotherapy based treatment and my hair would fall out. 4 months before my wedding i was told there was a chance my fertility could be rapidly reduced. 4 months before my wedding i wanted to just close my eyes and go to sleep and wake up when it was all over.
After the biopsy and diagnosis i was kept in hospital to commence my first round of treatment the next day.  I was moved to a short stay ward in probably one of the oldest parts of the hospital.  It was gloomy and cluttered as i was wheeled down the corridor, i remember the dull yellow lighting giving every object and person a sickly jaundice glow. All the time thinking is this really real? Is this me lying in this bed? The infusion was a round of methylprednisolone (steroids) first then a drip and a friendly nurse with a bright blue plastic bag with 'Cytotoxic' written on it, out of the bag came a huge oversized syringe of poison... connected to the drip and pumped into me.
For 3 days after i vomited an array of rainbow colours, mostly blue.  I remember my sister standing at the bottom of my hospital bed in horror. I remember the atrocious smell of hospital food that i could not stand to touch, i remember my friend Catherine bringing me lots of bubble bath and Lush soaps for when i got home. I remember the smell of the blue palmolive shower gel in my hospital bag that the nurse put in the bath for me, a smell i can't bear to this day and will bypass in the shops. I remember Chloe, a nurse who was a friend of a colleague, but has since become a great friend of my own, coming to see me on her break and stroking my hand, battered and bruised from various attempts at getting a canula in. I remember  managing to walk to the Costa coffee in the hospital with Mark to get him a piece of lemon drizzle cake  as it was his birthday, the same evening roaring with tears knowing he was sat in the hospital cafeteria eating his dinner alone on his birthday - a thought to this day that always makes me cry, no matter that over two years have passed and lots of wounds have healed.
I was released on Wednesday 16th and taken home, i remember the lovely Lynnie coming to see me from work with a great big Orchid and Betty's Macaroon's. I remember flowers arriving from all corners of the country, work head office, aunties, old friends, i remember i had flowers on the fireplace hearth, windowsill, tables, in my bedroom. They just kept on coming, i honestly didn't realise how much people cared.
Aside from my family and Mark, one thing that recurs most amongst all these memories are those of my friends, people whom i thought were and turned out not to be, people i knew who would be there and then did so without question, people who i never thought would be first to offer help and surprised me with their kindness and then people who just thought that they should show their face once to feel better about themselves, make them feel like a good person and never bother again. The old sayings are the best and when times are tough you really do find out who your real friends are.
To Fiona, who changed her day off to sit with me while they pumped poison through my veins, painted my toenails for me afterwards then fell asleep on my bed whilst watching The Lovely Bones, who held my hand in my mums living room as i sobbed at the clumps of hair in my hands 4 weeks before the wedding.
To Catherine, for the hours spent doing jigsaw puzzles, knitting and watching your Desperate housewives box sets, for the car trips to the hospital, bringing me edible food, again for sitting through one of those nasty chemo sessions and helping me eating fruit pastilles to help take the bitter taste out of my mouth.
To Kirsty, for the cups of tea (i still have the meercat mug and coaster!), the bandana to cover up my ever increasingly baldy head and for the spins around the hospital in my wheelchair to cheer me up!
To my lovely ladies from Links, Jodie, Hannah, Lynnie. I couldn't wish for better colleagues.
To fiona, Dave and a very little Lyra at the time- thanks for the tea and cake and Lyra smiles!
To Emily and Ben - the tulips lasted for weeks!
To Becky and the Kids for restoring some normality and treating me like a human
I could go on forever to the people that i owe a debt too, i'm sorry if you didn't get a mention this time but i'm sure there'll be lots of opportunity for a mention, i'm afraid there's a lot of backlog in this brain of mine... haha stay tuned..........