Mum's the wor.. WORK!

You could fill an encyclopaedia with articles and blogs written about the challenges of being a working mum. Those who feel guilty about working, those who don't feel guilty about working, those that don't work but would like too and then those who desperately want to be a stay at home mum but who's financial reality dictates they have to go back to work kicking and screaming. So why not add my story to the mix just for diversity?

I'm sort of in the middle of all those aforementioned situations, and removing my health from the equation for a moment, I have the lucky ability to work part time without it being too much of a financial strain. That said, I wish I had more quality time than I do with my daughter and envy all the time and activities someone else gets to do, the sound of her laughter that someone else gets to hear and that that someone is somebody I pay to do it. Every time that WhatsApp notification dings from the childminder showing me photos of what a wonderful happy time my daughter is having on their outing, I'm torn, half crushed that someone else is enjoying those beaming smiles and cheeky giggles, and content that she's happy, enjoying herself and is well cared for.
Whilst I appreciate the free time I have with her more, I yet again feel guilty as I'm understandably more tired, like many parents, than I would be if I didn't have to work. I am also conscious that some energy needs to be conserved and I need to make the most of any rest I can get! So it's a vicious circle,

Working - tired - not working - spend time with daughter - tired -need to rest - try to have normal life.

It's exacerbated at the moment because of the temporary contract I'm working, my shifts change week to week and whilst I'm grateful for a job, I'm relieved that it's not permanent. I try and satisfy my conscience with the knowledge that it's all to provide a better life and is simply a means to an end for now.
When we first moved over to Lancashire I didn't work for 7 months, partly to keep the wolf at bay and have a rest after all the stress and upheaval of the move, but also it seemed I was massively unemployable, especially in my attempts to find a role not retail based and more family friendly. It was excruciating, like those dreams where you're trying desperately to dial a number but the phone doesn't work or doesn't dial and you try and try again without getting an answer. I questioned all my previous career choices and wondered why I had worked hard for so long in my career for it to come to this? I still don't have any answers and it came to the point where you just have to swallow your pride and be a grown up about it. Any job is important if you're providing for your family or other reasons, but it's exceptionally important for good mental health and self esteem, and that's why I will always try and work, despite my health issues.

Even just one day a week gives you time to breathe, exercise that brain matter, take stock and, if you're a parent, have conversations with adults that don't involve the benefits of baby led weaning or how many teeth your child has. When I wasn't working it had a huge impact on my self confidence and not being around other people and doing something for my own self worth was very isolating, I'm sure many other people looking for work would tell a similar story. But obviously working with a chronic illness is not without its challenges, and bringing the responsibilities of motherhood into the equation adds to the pressure of finding the correct balance between ensuring you don't overestimate your physical ability and enjoying time outside of being a mum. I wish I had a magic solution as to how to manage it but it's just a case of trying your best and trusting your instincts with your body and not ignoring any warning signs. I don't think I do anything differently than most busy working mums, early nights and accepting help where it's offered are no more than common sense. It's the additional appointments, collection of prescriptions and energy required before and after work for childcare drop offs and pick ups that are the most stressful and tiring challenges.

Whilst the guilt and moments of doubt about my capabilities as a parent do play a part, they are overall, minimal. I know within myself I'm a good mum because I so often wish I could apply the same level of confidence and pride  in every other aspect of my life. I look at her and think, if only everything else in this life came so naturally like this love I have for her.