The Greatest Act

'....Thursday 9th January 2014 ...This year may possibly be the year that everything starts to fall into place for us. The year we start to put foundations in place just for you.
I don't know who you are yet and when you will be here but know this as my first words that i ever speak to you, you are loved and wanted more than anything in the world.  With a tiny flicker of hope and with a little whisper of magic you may just be on your way as this year ends.' 
- Taken from 'My self indulgent lupus pregnancy diary'.

As the heartwarming, sentimental photos and testimonials of love and admiration for our Mum's ease from our Facebook and Instagram feeds, I am yet again feeling the significance of the changes that are occurring and the blessing that I too, all being well, will be celebrating Mother's day next year. But the catalyst for this post really being a message my sister sent me yesterday.

Great Expectations

July 2014

The first thoughts that spring to mind as I begin this post is my husband, you see, I havent forewarned him yet that i'm writing such a post.. and then of course is the thought that the subject is deeply personal, and a lot of people wouldn't even consider publishing such a private matter. But this blog was always designed to be brutally honest and talk about things that so many people like us are thinking and feeling but feeling like they are the only ones doing so. I consider it a moderate insight into our privacy, a sort of airing your clean instead of dirty laundry in public  The subject of course being the ever dominating topic of babies. I have talked openly before about our situation when it comes to having a family. But ever closer rolled the time where we made that scary joint trip to my consultant to talk through the options. With lupus a lot of pregnancies go head quite healthily and normally with additional supervision and support. But when you've had complications like mine, the process is complex and classed as high risk.
As the months have whizzed by this year, that moment seemed so very far away and not an inch closer, even with the date for the doctors appointment marked in my diary and visible with barely few flicks of a page, it seemed a million miles away and completely alien to us. But soon enough we were walking those hospital corridors and reminiscent of of Oliver Twist, were asking.. 'please sir, can we have a baby.'

The Waiting Game

“When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal, you do not change your decision to get there.” - Zig Ziglar

For all my lovely friends and family with their beautiful babies, the following words are not an act of resentment, indignation or malice, these words are merely my selfish catharthis.  I speak truthfully and with love to you and the incredible families you have created. - Claire
                                                               

 Yesterday, as I do most days at work,  I coerced a 3 year old little girl to colour some pictures in the fitting room while I assisted her pregnant Mother with some maternity clothes. I playfully showed her the crayons explaining cheerfully the name of the company branded bunny printed on the paper in my hand, I lifted her up on to the chair and tucked her in to reach the table, and as I did so I heard her mother say those words I encounter so often lately.
'Do you have children?'
'No, no I don't.'
I see her glance at my left hand,  and she spots wedding and engagement rings awkwardly clutched around a luminous yellow crayon.
'Oh its just you seem so natural and at ease' she smiles.
'Oh you know, lots of brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and godchildren ha ha ha,' I joke.  But my game face slips and I wonder for a second if she sees through the facade and noticed the slight prickle of sadness behind my refined comedy routine.
It's not a devastating, encircling sadness that plagues my every thought and I'm keen to not be perceived as a teary, broody 30+ woman desperate for a baby, but in the same thought it's paramount that people see what it's like for the those women waiting at the sidelines. It is not the easiest to explain unless you have been in that situation yourself.  I can only describe it as a twinge, a flicker of envy and self pity when you see those around you announcing the news you seemingly have waited forever to announce, a pang of annoyance that they have it before you, that yet in the same cruel swipe breaks your heart at the momentary thought of resentment against those you love the most.  And then almost as quick as it comes, it passes, your day goes on and the excitement of a new baby coming is as much the same as everyone else.  What's hardest is the self conscious perception that all eyes are on you, the paranoia of pity from those around you when news spreads of another pregnancy in the family or circle of friends, the phobia that you're loving, loyal friends will know those momentary malignant thoughts when really, you are happy for them.  Just unhappy in yourself.
There have been several factors delaying our opportunity to have a family, notably to begin with it was the simple basics, the groundwork of stability and endurance that Mark has always known and that I have always craved since being together.. marriage and a home.  Old fashioned and unessential some may say, but important to us both. So many people have said 'if you wait 'til you have enough money to have a baby, you'll never have one'.  Quite cruel, abrasive words to someone wanting to be prepared as possible, to retain a normality and to refuse to struggle as my family did.
Once the marriage side of things was almost in place, we were of course thrown off plan with my health, 6 months of not working + 1 year of working part time + 3 months of not working at all tends to diminish the savings account and we were back to square one.
Those who know us well as a couple know thoroughly our situation in regards to having a child, others have probably made an accurate assumption and choose not to bring it up, either through fear I may burst into tears (i won't by the way) or because they understand how hard it is and that I don't need the constant reminder that it could be, and most likely will be a difficult journey for us.  Now at the not so tender age of 31 I am well and truly hearing the clichéd 'tick tock' of my biological clock as a deafening tone and it's giving me tinnitus.
According to statistics I have a mere 3 years and 9 months before my fertility rate rapidly declines to 35% (its 50% up until your 30's) but that of course doesn't take into consideration the seven rounds of chemo based nasties i've had pumped into me and the amount of potential mini Boardman's it has incinerated.
The reality of what I have to put my body through to have a baby is truly terrifying.  I risk plunging myself head first back into the nightmare of 2011, the nightmare of drips, wires, sickness and long stays in hospital combined with a new nightmare of high risk miscarriage, premature birth, pre-eclampsia and renal failure worse than the first time. But whether it be mother nature or completely selfish denial, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is what I am prepared to undertake, no off switch or stop button, no reasoning otherwise.
Until then we work and we save, we go without luxuries, nights outs, holidays and weekends away, we work, we save, we watch everyone else achieve their goal of being parents, we smile, we be happy for them and we hope, with realistic propensity, that not long now, that will be us.