Another reason of course is as the weeks tick by for my beautiful friend Fiona Stewart and her imminent pink bundle of joy, the quicker my knitting needles are whipping in and out and covering my living room floor in multi coloured wool strand cut offs. This is probably the more deserving excuse for my blog distraction, I am seemingly addicted to making (and buying) outfits for this little girl, it's far too exciting!
Other than procrastinating via mass knitting, I have found it genuinely difficult to write these past few weeks, my mind a little clogged with stresses of everyday life. I've felt overwhelmed with trying to maintain some normality and once again forgetting that I am not normal and cannot carry on regardless like those alongside me.
This truth in itself has been getting to me, again like so often before I have felt that black cloud looming not far in the distance creating shadows and a cool breeze in my little patches of sunshine, obscuring my view of the landscape ahead by putting a block down in front of me like a red 'no through road' sign. Then I feel like I am standing still and watching a film of other peoples lives on fast forward, and as I have felt from time to time for two and a half years now, I feel like I am going in slow motion. I am not unhappy, not at all, but I feel very observant and aware of the lives being lived and progressing forward in front of me. I know that life is not a race, sometimes you are ahead, sometimes you are behind and the only competitor you face is yourself - as the saying goes. But it can be disheartening being in the back row for such a long time, perhaps I am a sore loser when lagging behind but sometimes it would be nice to be in 3rd place not 4th.
We can't see inside peoples minds or lives, but it amazes me how some people manage to coordinate so many things in their lives and seemingly breeze from one project or activity to another without a smudge of makeup, a complaint of tiredness and a full iPhone battery. Are these people filling a huge emotional gap in their lives with zumba classes on a Monday, yoga on Tuesday, cinema with their (i hate the term) BFF on Wednesday, gym Thursday, drinks after work Friday and a trip to Manchester shopping on Saturday. Are they leading a perfect life? Or have these people just perfected the art of living life to its fullest, flitting from here to there absorbing an abundance of experiences. Thus surviving the drain and monotony of everyday life, proving they are the fittest by breaking the routine we all cling to for normality.
As a sufferer of a chronic illness I envy the energy of those able to incorporate just two extra curricula activities as well as work full time. But do I notice these things more because I can't do them to the frequency others can? I do believe that there is an irony to the whole situation and I apologise in advance for morbidity if of it. None of us know really when our time is up, but I find it odd that those blessed with health and longevity have energy and chances to cram as much into their lives as possible, when those that are much more aware of their own mortality and limited by a chronic illness, aren't always blessed with the ability to fill each day with exciting opportunities.
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