A perfect example of how even when I was pregnant lupus + impending motherhood meant I never had the time to finish anything. We all know the story had a happy ending, so scroll down to the beginning to see how this lupie got on during pregnancy.. well, most of it anyway.
Sunday 4th May
29 + 3 weeks
Weight 77.5kg /170lbs (totally pregnancy gain 9.5kg / 21lbs)
Apologies for my clearly notable absence in the last few weeks. They have been much of a muchness really, bogged down with the last few weeks at work - a real struggle despite slashing my days to 3 per week - endless hospital appointments, crippling fatigue and monumentally absurd hormones that would have me being psychologically assessed if it wasn't for my enormous belly! So yes my diary and blog have been very much neglected. I'm now entering my second week of maternity leave, much anticipated and needed, so now you won't be rid of me! Despite what looks like a whopping weight gain at this point I'm pretty impressed to say I'm still wearing size 12 (size 8 for my US readers) maternity clothes with those pounds clearly clinging solely to my uterus (maybe a little on the hips..). Week 28 saw my most recent growth ultrasound and happy to report one perfectly healthy little poppet with excellent blood flow through uterine artery and plenty of amniotic fluid. Just gorgeous. However. I wish I could say the same about my blood pressure. After an incredibly lucky run since 18 weeks of a stable average of 116/70 we are now predictably pushing the boundaries of my medications which at their best keeping it at 135/85. By no means scary but definitely starting to creep up and put our nerves on edge. My kidneys continue to leak protein but my renal team say it's stable, and as low as it can be at this point, less than a gram in March, I haven't April's figures yet.
Week 29 has seen the nursery almost finished, my hospital bag packed and the baby's clothes all washed and folded in her drawers. Her activity level has changed too, with freakishly big movements, stretches and body rolls I can now detect parts of her anatomy as she attempts to extend them for some good old uterine fitness session. We had a very surreal moment at 4am this morning when I had to push her leg back in, away from my hip, with my hand. It's scary how big she feels now. It's very much a week by week process, the doctor's are amazed I've made it this far and are breathing much larger sighs of relief at the thought that if they need to get the baby out now, they can do. Pre eclampsia is the word of the moment now, eyes are peeled for swollen ankles, flashing lights in my eyes, pain in my sides and a drastic increase in BP (I have a home monitor), if anything is likely to catch me out now, it's it's the P.E.T beasty! Otherwise we have to sit tight for another 7ish weeks. Obgyn tomorrow and whooping cough vaccine Wednesday, other than that I'm a lady of leisure (just not of much energy). Have a great week, see you soon.
28 week bump !
Friday 27th March
24 weeks
Weight 74.5kg / 164lbs -yikes- (total pregnancy gain 6.5kg/14.3lbs)
The cold still hasn't lifted and I've been resigned to a week off work! The four walls are driving me insane but my legs feel like lead weights and my eyes look like I belong in rehab! My mum came up this week with one of my sister's to help me with all the cleaning jobs I haven't the energy or ability to do. My nesting instinct has well and truly kicked in and I can jobs and cleaning that needs to be done everywhere! But bless my mum she's scrubbed my kitchen and cupboards and made it caesarean friendly (frequently used items moved from low cupboards so no bending required!)
Baby's movements increased in strength and frequency yet again as she continues to grow I feel her a lot more in the mornings now when previously she'd only give me the odd nudge until midday and if I wake up in the night to pee she thinks it's playtime and starts her karate kicks!
Positives for this week are huge though.. we've reached our first viability milestone, baby has a 55 -70% chance of survival if born now with significant help. Everyday I'm thankful for how well she is doing as I was terrified we'd never reach this point.
Friday 20th March
23 weeks
Weight 73.5kg / 161lb (total pregnancy gain 5.5kg/12.1lbs)
I have the cold from hell! Admitted defeat and came home from work early unable to breathe. Along came that horrible guilt all us chronically ill have and the fear of being judged because of a damned cold. Blood pressure is creeping up a little so I know I'm ill and need to rest. Mark can now feel her little thumps which I hope now feels a little more real for him, I can't help but think he was feeling a little left out of her gymnastic activities. She makes my tummy twitch from the outside now which I find fascinating! I could sit for hours watching the jerky little movements poking out my belly !
Friday 13th March
22 weeks
Weight 72kg / 158lb (total pregnancy gain 4kg/8.8lbs)
So an emotional sort of week. The spare room is now completely empty so we started rolling the on getting organised. I sat and went through her clothes bought and handmade (knitting fiend!) sorting them into sizes and it all started flooding over me how real it is all becoming. I sat with tears in my eyes telling her how many beautiful things she has already as her little arms and legs nudge my belly. After all this time I still can't catch my breath at how incredible this all is, everyday she amazes me. We finally brought her furniture home Saturday, clean white silver cross set I've managed to get through work, and I think we're going to go with a subtle woodland theme. The walls are bare white and the carpet is already pink (destiny haha). Some bunting, cushions and wall stickers.. colourful but not too pinky pink!
Friday 6th March
21 weeks
Baby's movements are more confident and profound every day often making me jump with their eagerness to impress. She loves the sound of her Daddy's voice swivelling round my belly and throwing her tiny feet against my abdomen as if saying "hello daddy, I'm here!" My waist round widest part of my bump measures 41.5 inches and I've now gained a modest 6lbs in pregnancy weight. All is well but I'm consistently shaking off that negative feeling that this is the calm before the storm.
Sunday 4th May
29 + 3 weeks
Weight 77.5kg /170lbs (totally pregnancy gain 9.5kg / 21lbs)
Apologies for my clearly notable absence in the last few weeks. They have been much of a muchness really, bogged down with the last few weeks at work - a real struggle despite slashing my days to 3 per week - endless hospital appointments, crippling fatigue and monumentally absurd hormones that would have me being psychologically assessed if it wasn't for my enormous belly! So yes my diary and blog have been very much neglected. I'm now entering my second week of maternity leave, much anticipated and needed, so now you won't be rid of me! Despite what looks like a whopping weight gain at this point I'm pretty impressed to say I'm still wearing size 12 (size 8 for my US readers) maternity clothes with those pounds clearly clinging solely to my uterus (maybe a little on the hips..). Week 28 saw my most recent growth ultrasound and happy to report one perfectly healthy little poppet with excellent blood flow through uterine artery and plenty of amniotic fluid. Just gorgeous. However. I wish I could say the same about my blood pressure. After an incredibly lucky run since 18 weeks of a stable average of 116/70 we are now predictably pushing the boundaries of my medications which at their best keeping it at 135/85. By no means scary but definitely starting to creep up and put our nerves on edge. My kidneys continue to leak protein but my renal team say it's stable, and as low as it can be at this point, less than a gram in March, I haven't April's figures yet.
Week 29 has seen the nursery almost finished, my hospital bag packed and the baby's clothes all washed and folded in her drawers. Her activity level has changed too, with freakishly big movements, stretches and body rolls I can now detect parts of her anatomy as she attempts to extend them for some good old uterine fitness session. We had a very surreal moment at 4am this morning when I had to push her leg back in, away from my hip, with my hand. It's scary how big she feels now. It's very much a week by week process, the doctor's are amazed I've made it this far and are breathing much larger sighs of relief at the thought that if they need to get the baby out now, they can do. Pre eclampsia is the word of the moment now, eyes are peeled for swollen ankles, flashing lights in my eyes, pain in my sides and a drastic increase in BP (I have a home monitor), if anything is likely to catch me out now, it's it's the P.E.T beasty! Otherwise we have to sit tight for another 7ish weeks. Obgyn tomorrow and whooping cough vaccine Wednesday, other than that I'm a lady of leisure (just not of much energy). Have a great week, see you soon.
28 week bump !
Friday 27th March
24 weeks
Weight 74.5kg / 164lbs -yikes- (total pregnancy gain 6.5kg/14.3lbs)
The cold still hasn't lifted and I've been resigned to a week off work! The four walls are driving me insane but my legs feel like lead weights and my eyes look like I belong in rehab! My mum came up this week with one of my sister's to help me with all the cleaning jobs I haven't the energy or ability to do. My nesting instinct has well and truly kicked in and I can jobs and cleaning that needs to be done everywhere! But bless my mum she's scrubbed my kitchen and cupboards and made it caesarean friendly (frequently used items moved from low cupboards so no bending required!)
Baby's movements increased in strength and frequency yet again as she continues to grow I feel her a lot more in the mornings now when previously she'd only give me the odd nudge until midday and if I wake up in the night to pee she thinks it's playtime and starts her karate kicks!
Positives for this week are huge though.. we've reached our first viability milestone, baby has a 55 -70% chance of survival if born now with significant help. Everyday I'm thankful for how well she is doing as I was terrified we'd never reach this point.
My 24 week chunky monkey!
Friday 20th March
23 weeks
Weight 73.5kg / 161lb (total pregnancy gain 5.5kg/12.1lbs)
I have the cold from hell! Admitted defeat and came home from work early unable to breathe. Along came that horrible guilt all us chronically ill have and the fear of being judged because of a damned cold. Blood pressure is creeping up a little so I know I'm ill and need to rest. Mark can now feel her little thumps which I hope now feels a little more real for him, I can't help but think he was feeling a little left out of her gymnastic activities. She makes my tummy twitch from the outside now which I find fascinating! I could sit for hours watching the jerky little movements poking out my belly !
Friday 13th March
22 weeks
Weight 72kg / 158lb (total pregnancy gain 4kg/8.8lbs)
So an emotional sort of week. The spare room is now completely empty so we started rolling the on getting organised. I sat and went through her clothes bought and handmade (knitting fiend!) sorting them into sizes and it all started flooding over me how real it is all becoming. I sat with tears in my eyes telling her how many beautiful things she has already as her little arms and legs nudge my belly. After all this time I still can't catch my breath at how incredible this all is, everyday she amazes me. We finally brought her furniture home Saturday, clean white silver cross set I've managed to get through work, and I think we're going to go with a subtle woodland theme. The walls are bare white and the carpet is already pink (destiny haha). Some bunting, cushions and wall stickers.. colourful but not too pinky pink!
Friday 6th March
21 weeks
Baby's movements are more confident and profound every day often making me jump with their eagerness to impress. She loves the sound of her Daddy's voice swivelling round my belly and throwing her tiny feet against my abdomen as if saying "hello daddy, I'm here!" My waist round widest part of my bump measures 41.5 inches and I've now gained a modest 6lbs in pregnancy weight. All is well but I'm consistently shaking off that negative feeling that this is the calm before the storm.
Thursday 9th January 2014
I often thought and rethought about writing this particular piece, the worry that I am being too ambitious or getting too far ahead of myself. At the moment this journal is just for me, not publishable alongside all my other blog posts, it's for me to write as I think without the fear or self doubt of sounding clichèd, over emotional or of being judged.
I often thought and rethought about writing this particular piece, the worry that I am being too ambitious or getting too far ahead of myself. At the moment this journal is just for me, not publishable alongside all my other blog posts, it's for me to write as I think without the fear or self doubt of sounding clichèd, over emotional or of being judged.
This year may possibly be the year that everything starts to fall into place for us. The year we start to put foundations in place just for you.
I don't know who you are yet and when you will be here but know this as my first words that I ever write to you, you are loved and wanted more than anything in the world. With a tiny flicker of hope and with a little whisper of magic you may just be on your way as this year ends.
I don't know who you are yet and when you will be here but know this as my first words that I ever write to you, you are loved and wanted more than anything in the world. With a tiny flicker of hope and with a little whisper of magic you may just be on your way as this year ends.
Tuesday 16th September 2014
So here we finally are, after probably years of waiting and months of preparation, we are officially trying to have a baby. I've been off my 'too toxic for pregnancy' drugs for coming up 3 months and last week changed over and withdrew from some of my more potent blood pressure medication.
I've been counting the days down to this moment from a decision we made last August, that by September we would have our deposit for a houseand be trying to have a baby. (the Boardman's don't do things by halves). Each day has felt an eternity and each week looking at the calendar with that mixed emotion of disappointment and yearning at the thought it was still so far away.
Yet here we are, and it doesn't seem real. The struggle and complications we are in for if and when I do become pregnant are ever present, the nervous anxiety this causes is this morning pushing out the giddy excitement I'd hoped to be feeling at this point. A lupus pregnancy complex enough, but with my history of renal failure, kidney damage and the associated blood pressure problems.. I feel it may challenge York District's finest.
Maybe this will change, but with my blood pressure creeping up already with the medication changes I'm already preparing myself for a bumpy ride. I'm not even pregnant yet and my body is trying it's best to give me grief and I feel envious of my friends and family members healthy pregnancies and the uncomplicated preparations beforehand. I am a negative ninny today.. But I just want to be excited not worried.
I've been counting the days down to this moment from a decision we made last August, that by September we would have our deposit for a houseand be trying to have a baby. (the Boardman's don't do things by halves). Each day has felt an eternity and each week looking at the calendar with that mixed emotion of disappointment and yearning at the thought it was still so far away.
Yet here we are, and it doesn't seem real. The struggle and complications we are in for if and when I do become pregnant are ever present, the nervous anxiety this causes is this morning pushing out the giddy excitement I'd hoped to be feeling at this point. A lupus pregnancy complex enough, but with my history of renal failure, kidney damage and the associated blood pressure problems.. I feel it may challenge York District's finest.
Maybe this will change, but with my blood pressure creeping up already with the medication changes I'm already preparing myself for a bumpy ride. I'm not even pregnant yet and my body is trying it's best to give me grief and I feel envious of my friends and family members healthy pregnancies and the uncomplicated preparations beforehand. I am a negative ninny today.. But I just want to be excited not worried.
Tuesday 23rd September 2014
A week on I'm still not feeling much better about things, after a weekend of sky high blood pressure, crushing tiredness and shaking like a washer on spin cycle I went to the doctors yesterday. The labetol dosage has been increased to try and get it under control - positive. You'll feel more tired and breathless - negative. Like a bloody merry-go-round. So I feel totally drained already and like I just want to cry all the time, a time when I should be getting really excited, but I just can't see past the fog and I'm scared because I'm missing it. I'm missing these instrumental days filled with nervous excitement at what's to come because this disease has no mercy and doesn't give you a day off. It doesn't care about the heartbreakingly long wait we've had for this moment in life.
Friday 10th October 2014
Notably, it's been a little while since I've written. Mostly I've been procrastinating. An avoidance of expressing my mixed up emotions at the moment. I'm definitely blaming a lot of it on this new hideousness that is labetatol, now increased for a second time, it's really taken it's toll on my energy levels. Bearing in mind lupus itself reduces my battery level to 40%, i'm running on about 5%. The pale drawn, eyes like two piss holes in the snow, is my new everyday look despite 8 hours a night and the fact I've just had eight days off work. All for the greater good I keep telling myself, and I know it will settle (I hope) but living though it at these early stages is like wading through mud. It takes about an hour past medication time each morning for the odd nonsensical anxious sensation in my stomach to subside.. A bizarre side affect that's proving a drain on my usual get up and go.
On the conception front, it's too early to know. I'm '12 days away from first pregnancy test' according to the bossy pastel colourings of Ovia fertility app. But to tell you the truth, i'm not holding out too much hope for this first month. Partly because it would be very naive to assume it would happen on our first go, but mainly because of the ups and downs of the last month, the anxiety and stress of changing over this last medication and looking at buying a house will I imagine have taken it's toll. Certainly not prime conception conditions. Plus there's the niggling doubt that every ovulation test I've taken on the allocated days has been negative, it could be my body that's not playing ball or it could just be the cheap crapness of the £1.99 for 5 test strips. Who knows Anyway, the moment should we say, has pretty much passed, so time to sit back and relax and see what the next few weeks brings.
On the conception front, it's too early to know. I'm '12 days away from first pregnancy test' according to the bossy pastel colourings of Ovia fertility app. But to tell you the truth, i'm not holding out too much hope for this first month. Partly because it would be very naive to assume it would happen on our first go, but mainly because of the ups and downs of the last month, the anxiety and stress of changing over this last medication and looking at buying a house will I imagine have taken it's toll. Certainly not prime conception conditions. Plus there's the niggling doubt that every ovulation test I've taken on the allocated days has been negative, it could be my body that's not playing ball or it could just be the cheap crapness of the £1.99 for 5 test strips. Who knows Anyway, the moment should we say, has pretty much passed, so time to sit back and relax and see what the next few weeks brings.
Saturday 18th October 2014
A tiny bit annoyed yesterday and today. As always, my body has decided to shake things up and rob us of any sort of excited expectation in the run up to the end of the month by bringing that dreaded monthly visitor a WEEK early? A week! how naughty! So pretty much all my predictions were pointless ha! At least it kept my brain busy during this first step into the baby making process, patience I do not have.. But then I suppose I've waited long enough to be a little impatient. The most hilarious part of this silly fertility app (that I swore I'd never get, just go with what Mother nature decided but now find quite informative and a little addictive) actually EMAILED me this morning to double check It was 'that time of the month' after half heartedly inputting my little red dot on yesterdays date. A sort of cyber inquisition.. 'are you sure? It's far too early.' Tell me about it.
Sunday October 26th 2014
I have my official mope face :( on today as more pregnancy news hits. I feel like I should be used to this now but each its yet another reminder of our situation. Each time my reaction varies when we hear such news, from unfair sadness to a complacent resolve that perhaps it will be us next. But every time there's a nasty jealous little voice in my ear "everyone's going to get pregnant and have a baby before you" and then the guilty voice says "you need to be happy for them, you'd want people to be happy for you". And I am really, just hidden under mounds of loathsome self pity and feelings of failure that all my friends experience parenthood before us. Cue a text to a trusted and most reliable friend this morning for a reality check on my impatience.
"have a gob on, there's no harm in that just don't be so hard on yourself.. Patience is all bollocks anyway!!! Just keep at it and have fun, try putting the making a baby to the back of your mind and just make the most of a quiet house and spare money!"
"have a gob on, there's no harm in that just don't be so hard on yourself.. Patience is all bollocks anyway!!! Just keep at it and have fun, try putting the making a baby to the back of your mind and just make the most of a quiet house and spare money!"
Saturday 8th November
So it's been a busy few weeks with this past week a culminating in various emotions. After very stressful few days at work, I prayed that something good would come from this week, even joking about it in the pub on Thursday whilst quaffing large glasses of red wine, and this morning, this happened:
I couldn't stop shaking! God bless first response. I keep forgetting at work, then get giddy at the same time remarkably fearful. I'm so excited, yet so afraid. It doesn't seem real yet, I feel like I should feel different or leaping with joy but I just feel normal and extremely calm about the whole thing. I suppose that's what happens when you're happy and plan a pregnancy.
Sunday 9th November
So I got up at 7.30 on my day off to do the clearblue digital test. There's something about seeing it in writing that makes it far more real than 2 pink lines. 'Pregnant 1-2' amazing. I've waiting so long to see those words that it feels as if they don't belong to me. How on earth have we managed to do this after only 6 weeks ?
Tuesday 11th Nov
So I had an epiphany this morning.. please forgive the randomness of this.. It was 2 days after I got shit on by a pigeon waiting for Mark at the station that we must have conceived. Hilarious! The ever so superstitious part of me at the time, for just a split second, thought, maybe we'll get pregnant this month. Then I laughed it off just as quick!
I still keep forgetting this monumental fact, and it's not because i'm not excited - it just feels completely normal.
I still keep forgetting this monumental fact, and it's not because i'm not excited - it just feels completely normal.
Wednesday Nov 12th
Weeks: 3 +5
Weeks: 3 +5
More food baby than 'baby' but it feels weird to think there's a little poppy seed sized baby getting comfy in there.
Monday 17th Nov
Weeks: 4+3
So apparently the peeing every 5 minutes and increase in appetite can start quite early?? Saturday was the record so far.. 16 wee's in a 15hour period.
Thursday 20th November
5 Weeks pregnant tomorrow! I had my midwife booking appointment yesterday, slightly earlier than a 'normal' pregnancy at 8 weeks. I had to nip out from work claiming a GP appointment thinking I wouldn't be long. Nobody told me it was an hour long! Thank heavens everyone I work with is so lovely. So yes, lots of questions and filling the lovely green pregnancy notes in, a surreal experience that I could never envision happening. From rough calculations baby is due 24th July but likely to be earlier than that depending on how my body copes, the midwife described it as 'a booked hospital delivery' due to the nature of my illness. There was a momentary glimmer of sadness that I have no choice in the matter, that again Lupus has taken that option away from me but i'm so unbelievably grateful to he pregnant that it is soon washed away. It's like i've been revived, this tiny bundle of cells growing and living inside have breathed life into my cynical body. Ever thinking my illness has given me perspective, my little baby bear is forcing every ounce of trivial nonsense out of my life.
Like many women I imagine I don't and probably won't 'feel' pregnant until the horrific sickness kicks in or I have the belly to show for it. But yet I know it and it's a,guilty little secret making me lie to family, friends and work colleagues and feel giddy with excitement about it. The urge to tell people is overwhelming, I almost cracked to my Mother last night and I feel she may have figured me out like mothers just do, I think she believed my 'nothing to report' just as much as she believed 'they're not mine, they're my friend Becky's' when she caught me with a packet of Lambert & Butler at 15.
It's funny how we are desperate to keep it a secret from our nearest and dearest but we feel perfectly safe and normal telling strangers. A verbal downpayment in protection of our secret, something I have discovered last week in conversation with the estate agent "yes it definitely has to be 3 bedroom, i've just found out i'm pregnant" and again the other day with the sales associate in Boots “..no don't worry, i've just found out i'm pregnant" . Naughty but nice to say the words out loud.
So our next step is to wait for the high risk OBGYN team to call me in for early assessment and let the poking and endless worrying begin.
Like many women I imagine I don't and probably won't 'feel' pregnant until the horrific sickness kicks in or I have the belly to show for it. But yet I know it and it's a,guilty little secret making me lie to family, friends and work colleagues and feel giddy with excitement about it. The urge to tell people is overwhelming, I almost cracked to my Mother last night and I feel she may have figured me out like mothers just do, I think she believed my 'nothing to report' just as much as she believed 'they're not mine, they're my friend Becky's' when she caught me with a packet of Lambert & Butler at 15.
It's funny how we are desperate to keep it a secret from our nearest and dearest but we feel perfectly safe and normal telling strangers. A verbal downpayment in protection of our secret, something I have discovered last week in conversation with the estate agent "yes it definitely has to be 3 bedroom, i've just found out i'm pregnant" and again the other day with the sales associate in Boots “..no don't worry, i've just found out i'm pregnant" . Naughty but nice to say the words out loud.
So our next step is to wait for the high risk OBGYN team to call me in for early assessment and let the poking and endless worrying begin.
Sunday 23rd November
5 + 2 Weeks
5 + 2 Weeks
My goodness, i'm so tired I can't describe it. Lupus fatigue + pregnancy fatigue = one very wobbly exhausted little me :( today is only a short day at work but I have 3 more afterwards and I just don't know how i'm going to do it. Dear God, I feel like i've been hit by a bus today and i'm not a wimp, it takes a lot for me to feel defeated! No more coffee allowed (after my 1 midwife approved cup in the morning) so i'm hoping porridge lots of fruit and something stodgy for lunch to get me through.
On a good note I have my first appointment through with my high risk OB through and my 12 week scan date. 16th Dec & 9th Jan respectively. I'm hoping to have a scan about 8 Weeks, i've heard its common practice with lupus patients be nice to know a little earlier that the hearts beating and all looks well. But judging by how knackered I feel the hormones seem to be doing their job swimmingly.
On a good note I have my first appointment through with my high risk OB through and my 12 week scan date. 16th Dec & 9th Jan respectively. I'm hoping to have a scan about 8 Weeks, i've heard its common practice with lupus patients be nice to know a little earlier that the hearts beating and all looks well. But judging by how knackered I feel the hormones seem to be doing their job swimmingly.
Tuesday 25th November
5+4 weeks
5+4 weeks
Claire 1-0 Nausea. Well at least for today anyway, past four days have been a bit rotten with yesterday the worst, its the numbing tiredness as well which means at work i'm treading through mud and still feel like the time is right to tell them.
But even with this win against nausea today, and to a certain extent the fatigue, along come those awful nasty thoughts that something must be wrong. The nausea has died down so must the hormones? Is the baby ok?
I'm amazed at how incredibly positive i've remained in these few early weeks, like a knowing voice telling me she's here to stay, she's not going anywhere, but there's always that doubt telling you to be realistic and take each day as it comes, each day a little victory and each day she's a little stronger.
But even with this win against nausea today, and to a certain extent the fatigue, along come those awful nasty thoughts that something must be wrong. The nausea has died down so must the hormones? Is the baby ok?
I'm amazed at how incredibly positive i've remained in these few early weeks, like a knowing voice telling me she's here to stay, she's not going anywhere, but there's always that doubt telling you to be realistic and take each day as it comes, each day a little victory and each day she's a little stronger.
Thursday 27th November
6 Weeks (tomorrow!)
6 Weeks (tomorrow!)
After a day of rest yesterday, the fatigue monster has lifted slightly. Nausea again today hugely subdued. It seems stretchy tummy aches are the theme of today, my little pea sized passenger is making herself extremely comfortable it seems! and making me eat a lot! No major cravings, although I did feel like I could glug
a carton of fresh orange for a passing second earlier.
My God, somebody please tell me this tiredness eases, not coping well at work with it and its far top early to be having time off when I very well may need it later. I had to stick my head out the back door earlier as I didn't know whether I was going to pass out, throw up,or fall asleep. I have a feeling I may have to tell work sooner than I wanted in order to get some support. Just eaten a very Carby lunch in the hope it will fuel me through the worst this afternoon. She'll be worth it I know, I wouldn't change it, it's a case if taking each day as it comes.
a carton of fresh orange for a passing second earlier.
My God, somebody please tell me this tiredness eases, not coping well at work with it and its far top early to be having time off when I very well may need it later. I had to stick my head out the back door earlier as I didn't know whether I was going to pass out, throw up,or fall asleep. I have a feeling I may have to tell work sooner than I wanted in order to get some support. Just eaten a very Carby lunch in the hope it will fuel me through the worst this afternoon. She'll be worth it I know, I wouldn't change it, it's a case if taking each day as it comes.
Friday 5th December 2014
So little baby your are 7 weeks old today and supposedly the size of a blueberry! I pray with my heart and soul that you are growing well and your tiny heart continues to beat. More people are starting to know about you know, your nan, my mum, cried when I told her the other day, so happy that you are finally on your way. Stay safe little blueberry, I promise to keep you warm and help you grow strong.
Saturday 13th December 2014
8+1 Weeks
8+1 Weeks
After a week off, i'm back in work today and boy am I feeling it. The nausea I seem to have reasonable control over provided I have access to an abundance of snack. (chocolate digestives and satsumas today) but the fatigue is a killer, never imagined it would be worse than lupus fatigue but it is! Or maybe it's because I have one layered on top of the other. You's think it would plateau out instead if just piling it on thick. On a funny note 3 people in the lady few days have told me how thin I look, how much weight i've lost. I really have to stifle a snigger, because i'm eating like a pig to keep the sickness at bay, the truth is I haven't even been near the bathroom scales since I found out I was pregnant, i've been finding it hard enough just finding things I can stomach without worrying how fattening or good it is for me.
Tuesday 16th December
8 + 4 Weeks
First appointment with our obstetrician today, without expecting it she pulled a few strings and ushered us into a little room and we got to see this..
It was overwhelming to see that little heartbeat flickering away, like a tiny butterfly flapping its wings saying 'look at me' i'm alive. I can't describe the relief, it's overwhelming. We are so lucky that we had this advantage, I don't know how people cope waiting for the 12 weeks. Wow, Just wow. So beautiful I shed a little tear.
Monday January 4th 2015
11+3 Weeks
So me and the little jelly baby, (about the size of a plum all being well), have made it through Christmas and new year unscathed. The sickness started to fade about halfway through week 9, and now has been replaced with a ravenous appetite, an overwhelming emptiness that screams "oh my god you really need to eat something, anything right now!" It's like nothing i've known before, a culinary point of no return, i've crossed the line feed me now! I'm still having a adversities to some things but I can get through the shop at Morrisons without retching at the fish counter.
12 week scan on Friday, it's constantly on my mind this week. There's a part of me deep down inside that knows all is well and growing strong, but as Friday approaches that anxiety of not knowing 100% that all is as well as it was 4 Weeks ago haunts me. Terrified of those few moments when the screen us turned away while the sonographer finds a heartbeat. I haven't prayed since I was a little girl, but I'll be whispering them quietly every night this week.
12 week scan on Friday, it's constantly on my mind this week. There's a part of me deep down inside that knows all is well and growing strong, but as Friday approaches that anxiety of not knowing 100% that all is as well as it was 4 Weeks ago haunts me. Terrified of those few moments when the screen us turned away while the sonographer finds a heartbeat. I haven't prayed since I was a little girl, but I'll be whispering them quietly every night this week.
Friday 9th January 2015
12 Weeks
12 Weeks
Today I should be excited, the giddy bubble of suspense and nervous anxiety of seeing our small but perfectly formed baby wriggling away on the screen for our excitement.. But I'm not. I'm terrified.
Terrified something has changed in the four weeks since the last scan when the walnut sized stumpy blob attempted a little wave at our bewildered faces. I can not wait to see if everything is all ok, and then perhaps I will be excited, when I see that tiny fluttering heartbeat and know my little angel is strong and growing. Smiling through the uncertainty!
Terrified something has changed in the four weeks since the last scan when the walnut sized stumpy blob attempted a little wave at our bewildered faces. I can not wait to see if everything is all ok, and then perhaps I will be excited, when I see that tiny fluttering heartbeat and know my little angel is strong and growing. Smiling through the uncertainty!
This week has been tough, my renal team an OBGYN are raising eyebrows of concern at the levels of protein in my urine and my rising blood pressure, described by my consultant yesterday as 'significant' for happening this early in pregnancy, who knows what that is supposed to mean. But yes, this week our bubble has well and truly burst and we haven't even announced it yet, we went into this with our eyes well and truly open and were very much forewarned, but I thought we would have a longer grace period before we hit the rocks. It looks like we are in for a bumpy ride and I'm terrified for my little mite who needs at least the same amount of time again in my womb before standing any hope at all of surviving. And there's a good chance that that won't happen. My kidneys are struggling and my heart is breaking at the thought I might not be able to give her the safe haven she deserves.
I'm trying to contain my anger at this disease for yet again disrupting what should be one of the most exciting times of my life. But like the run up to my wedding its rearing its pig ugly head and telling me loud and clear that I will never have an ordinary life. Stop trying to make it so.
Saturday 10th January 2015
12 + 1 weeks
13 +1 weeks (measuring)
12 + 1 weeks
13 +1 weeks (measuring)
So everything was fine with our little poppet yesterday.. here she is! (I say she, Mark says he).
She was fast asleep on her tummy and facing away from us so we had to give her a jiggle, we were rewarded with a full on somersault and wave, thumb sucking and disco dancing. It took ages to get some good pictures as the little monkey wouldn't keep still and kept turning away. She seems happy and is measuring a week more than my dates, and my dates are very precise so that can only mean one thing, she's ahead and she's strong! And she'll need all her strength, because I'm not so great. My BP is all over place, and I'm off work for a few more days til we can get it settled. I'm going to see my high risk OBGYN Tuesday but I'm going to try and ring renal to see if someone can check me over sooner, some pretty scary readings last night and this morning.
Saturday 17th January 2015
13 + 1 weeks
14 + 1 weeks (measuring)
13 + 1 weeks
14 + 1 weeks (measuring)
What a week. I breathed a little sigh of relief last night after my first full day of consistent but manageable blood pressure readings. By any means, they are far from normal, but certainly more manageable. Saw the doctor on Tuesday and she told us their aim is get me to 27-30 weeks as my kidney function may have deteriorated quite a lot by then meaning the baby wouldn't be getting enough blood supply and nutrients. Each week is a victory she said, let's get to each milestone she said, the next is 20 weeks," most renal patients don't get that far." Harsh words to a very hormonal and teary pregnant lady.
But nothing that came as a huge surprise, it was the next few days that came the anger and frustration that we couldn't have the normality most other couples get with their first baby, there have been many tears this week, from both of us, from fear, worry and sheer unfairness of it all. But we've come to a conclusion, we are blessed because we are pregnant, we are lucky because it happened in our first try, we are thankful because we have so much support around us and we have faith that whatever happens, everything's going to be alright.
Monday 26th January 2015
15 + 3 weeks
Felt the baby's first noticeable movements tonight! How totally magnificent to feel! I thought I'd had a few rumbles and nudges last week but couldn't determine whether it was my ever gurgling and bloated tummy or my over eager anticipation to feel something 'real'. But laying quietly on the bed with some music on doing my breathing (more attempts at reducing my stubborn BP readings) I felt something roll like a ping pong ball then tickle across the lower regions of my pelvis like a feather. I shrieked so loud Mark heard me through his headphones and WWE network addiction in the room below, I hurtled down the stairs to explain and perhaps reassure myself once again that it wasn't my imagination. That those intestinal rumblings I'd misjudged the week before as the result of too many wholegrain rice cakes were in fact our little baby trying to say hello.
Thursday 29th January 2015
15 + 6 weeks
Had my growth scan today to check on our beautiful little poppet and see how she's doing, it was my Mum's turn to come and have a look at her 4th future grand child and of course to hold my ever petrified and shaking hands. She looked absolutely perfect, opening her mouth and breathing in fluid and waving at her Nanny. It truly is astonishing the miracle that survives and grows inside me, just so angelic and peaceful. She is perfectly on track measuring 12.9cm, the risk factors of poor blood flow to placenta and quantity of amniotic fluid were checked too - absolutely fine! So wonderful to hear her heartbeat too, like a thundering train, an incredible proof of life.
My obstetrician is pleased and everything is 'ok so far', she is still concerned the baby may stop growing at some point due to lack of placental function but hopes it '..is further down the line.'
So we carry on, take a deep breath and hope we get to the next milestone. 20 weeks.
Friday 13th February 2015
18 weeks
Baby's movements have been consistent since I first felt them, generally in the day, we seem to have lots of roly poly and a nudging sensations especially after eating! This week though, they just stopped. It was terrifying, and despite knowing full well that it was still very early to be feeling them, baby is still very small, the placenta could have moved etc etc.. it caused a bit of panic. But after a little trip to hospital yesterday and a reassuringly clear doppler we breathed once again a marvellous 140bpm… The whole experience just reaffirmed the frightening fragility of what I hold inside me, the reality is scary for any pregnant women, but the magnitude of what we are encountering because of my illness is overwhelming, I have to entrust this body to do its job properly, when it has so often let me down.
So, the baby was just being naughty and hiding. Already proving they will beat me in games of hide and seek now, and in years to come.
Friday 20th February 2015
19 weeks
This week has I have accomplished several things
1. Gutted and emptied the small box room in preparation for nursery furniture.. now looking and thinking how the hell we are going to get all the crap we need in such a small space and googling inventive nursery ideas..
2. Established an undeniable pregnancy 'baby bump' and exploded out of all my clothes.. I'm in a maternity clothes limbo - aside from one pair of maternity jeans I wear for work - I can't button my own jeans up so i'm resorting to leggings I'm constantly hitching up to prevent penguin like 'crotch by the knees scenario'.
However, feeling and looking pregnant (finally!), is rather exciting and feels like quite a turning point. Counting down the days to the 20 week scan (3rd March) now to find out what we've got cooking inside and if our little sausage is still thriving away… and if we need to buy a blue rug to cover the bright pink carpet in situ in the box room.
Friday 27th February 2015
20 weeks
Well today is a huge achievement, they told us we may never get this far without encountering some major complications or risk to the baby's growth. So here we are, my gorgeous little sausage growing strong. Only a few days until our anomaly scan and we find out the sex and how baby is growing. Whilst I know in my heart she is strong, her movement tells me so, there is always that little doubt.
I am finding work a challenge now, so out of breath and tired and my belly is sore and bruised from the heparin injections, ligament pain is kicking in and the inability to sleep past 7.30am on my days off.
Tuesday 3rd March 2015
So drumroll please...
Our gorgeous GIRL is growing well! A little stubborn, cue yoga poses in the sonograph room from me trying to get her to turn so they can check her spine! My obstetrician is really pleased but states we are not through the woods yet. She said she will watching the baby very closely from 26 weeks. But positives this week are:
baby's healthy so far
Blood pressure is stable and there has been no protein in my urine for a week
I'm noticeably pregnant now with customers at work asking when I'm due and complementing my bump!
Friday 6th March
21 weeks
Baby's movements are more confident and profound every day often making me jump with their eagerness to impress. She loves the sound of her Daddy's voice swivelling round my belly and throwing her tiny feet against my abdomen as if saying "hello daddy, I'm here!" My waist round widest part of my bump measures 41.5 inches and I've now gained a modest 6lbs in pregnancy weight. All is well but I'm consistently shaking off that negative feeling that this is the calm before the storm.
But nothing that came as a huge surprise, it was the next few days that came the anger and frustration that we couldn't have the normality most other couples get with their first baby, there have been many tears this week, from both of us, from fear, worry and sheer unfairness of it all. But we've come to a conclusion, we are blessed because we are pregnant, we are lucky because it happened in our first try, we are thankful because we have so much support around us and we have faith that whatever happens, everything's going to be alright.
Monday 26th January 2015
15 + 3 weeks
Felt the baby's first noticeable movements tonight! How totally magnificent to feel! I thought I'd had a few rumbles and nudges last week but couldn't determine whether it was my ever gurgling and bloated tummy or my over eager anticipation to feel something 'real'. But laying quietly on the bed with some music on doing my breathing (more attempts at reducing my stubborn BP readings) I felt something roll like a ping pong ball then tickle across the lower regions of my pelvis like a feather. I shrieked so loud Mark heard me through his headphones and WWE network addiction in the room below, I hurtled down the stairs to explain and perhaps reassure myself once again that it wasn't my imagination. That those intestinal rumblings I'd misjudged the week before as the result of too many wholegrain rice cakes were in fact our little baby trying to say hello.
Thursday 29th January 2015
15 + 6 weeks
Had my growth scan today to check on our beautiful little poppet and see how she's doing, it was my Mum's turn to come and have a look at her 4th future grand child and of course to hold my ever petrified and shaking hands. She looked absolutely perfect, opening her mouth and breathing in fluid and waving at her Nanny. It truly is astonishing the miracle that survives and grows inside me, just so angelic and peaceful. She is perfectly on track measuring 12.9cm, the risk factors of poor blood flow to placenta and quantity of amniotic fluid were checked too - absolutely fine! So wonderful to hear her heartbeat too, like a thundering train, an incredible proof of life.
My obstetrician is pleased and everything is 'ok so far', she is still concerned the baby may stop growing at some point due to lack of placental function but hopes it '..is further down the line.'
So we carry on, take a deep breath and hope we get to the next milestone. 20 weeks.
Friday 13th February 2015
18 weeks
Baby's movements have been consistent since I first felt them, generally in the day, we seem to have lots of roly poly and a nudging sensations especially after eating! This week though, they just stopped. It was terrifying, and despite knowing full well that it was still very early to be feeling them, baby is still very small, the placenta could have moved etc etc.. it caused a bit of panic. But after a little trip to hospital yesterday and a reassuringly clear doppler we breathed once again a marvellous 140bpm… The whole experience just reaffirmed the frightening fragility of what I hold inside me, the reality is scary for any pregnant women, but the magnitude of what we are encountering because of my illness is overwhelming, I have to entrust this body to do its job properly, when it has so often let me down.
So, the baby was just being naughty and hiding. Already proving they will beat me in games of hide and seek now, and in years to come.
Friday 20th February 2015
19 weeks
This week has I have accomplished several things
1. Gutted and emptied the small box room in preparation for nursery furniture.. now looking and thinking how the hell we are going to get all the crap we need in such a small space and googling inventive nursery ideas..
2. Established an undeniable pregnancy 'baby bump' and exploded out of all my clothes.. I'm in a maternity clothes limbo - aside from one pair of maternity jeans I wear for work - I can't button my own jeans up so i'm resorting to leggings I'm constantly hitching up to prevent penguin like 'crotch by the knees scenario'.
However, feeling and looking pregnant (finally!), is rather exciting and feels like quite a turning point. Counting down the days to the 20 week scan (3rd March) now to find out what we've got cooking inside and if our little sausage is still thriving away… and if we need to buy a blue rug to cover the bright pink carpet in situ in the box room.
Friday 27th February 2015
20 weeks
Well today is a huge achievement, they told us we may never get this far without encountering some major complications or risk to the baby's growth. So here we are, my gorgeous little sausage growing strong. Only a few days until our anomaly scan and we find out the sex and how baby is growing. Whilst I know in my heart she is strong, her movement tells me so, there is always that little doubt.
I am finding work a challenge now, so out of breath and tired and my belly is sore and bruised from the heparin injections, ligament pain is kicking in and the inability to sleep past 7.30am on my days off.
Tuesday 3rd March 2015
So drumroll please...
Our gorgeous GIRL is growing well! A little stubborn, cue yoga poses in the sonograph room from me trying to get her to turn so they can check her spine! My obstetrician is really pleased but states we are not through the woods yet. She said she will watching the baby very closely from 26 weeks. But positives this week are:
baby's healthy so far
Blood pressure is stable and there has been no protein in my urine for a week
I'm noticeably pregnant now with customers at work asking when I'm due and complementing my bump!
Friday 6th March
21 weeks
Baby's movements are more confident and profound every day often making me jump with their eagerness to impress. She loves the sound of her Daddy's voice swivelling round my belly and throwing her tiny feet against my abdomen as if saying "hello daddy, I'm here!" My waist round widest part of my bump measures 41.5 inches and I've now gained a modest 6lbs in pregnancy weight. All is well but I'm consistently shaking off that negative feeling that this is the calm before the storm.
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