“When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal, you do not change your decision to get there.” - Zig Ziglar
For all my lovely friends and family with their beautiful babies, the following words are not an act of resentment, indignation or malice, these words are merely my selfish catharthis. I speak truthfully and with love to you and the incredible families you have created. - Claire
'Do you have children?'
'No, no I don't.'
I see her glance at my left hand, and she spots wedding and engagement rings awkwardly clutched around a luminous yellow crayon.
'Oh its just you seem so natural and at ease' she smiles.
'Oh you know, lots of brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and godchildren ha ha ha,' I joke. But my game face slips and I wonder for a second if she sees through the facade and noticed the slight prickle of sadness behind my refined comedy routine.
It's not a devastating, encircling sadness that plagues my every thought and I'm keen to not be perceived as a teary, broody 30+ woman desperate for a baby, but in the same thought it's paramount that people see what it's like for the those women waiting at the sidelines. It is not the easiest to explain unless you have been in that situation yourself. I can only describe it as a twinge, a flicker of envy and self pity when you see those around you announcing the news you seemingly have waited forever to announce, a pang of annoyance that they have it before you, that yet in the same cruel swipe breaks your heart at the momentary thought of resentment against those you love the most. And then almost as quick as it comes, it passes, your day goes on and the excitement of a new baby coming is as much the same as everyone else. What's hardest is the self conscious perception that all eyes are on you, the paranoia of pity from those around you when news spreads of another pregnancy in the family or circle of friends, the phobia that you're loving, loyal friends will know those momentary malignant thoughts when really, you are happy for them. Just unhappy in yourself.
There have been several factors delaying our opportunity to have a family, notably to begin with it was the simple basics, the groundwork of stability and endurance that Mark has always known and that I have always craved since being together.. marriage and a home. Old fashioned and unessential some may say, but important to us both. So many people have said 'if you wait 'til you have enough money to have a baby, you'll never have one'. Quite cruel, abrasive words to someone wanting to be prepared as possible, to retain a normality and to refuse to struggle as my family did.
Once the marriage side of things was almost in place, we were of course thrown off plan with my health, 6 months of not working + 1 year of working part time + 3 months of not working at all tends to diminish the savings account and we were back to square one.
Those who know us well as a couple know thoroughly our situation in regards to having a child, others have probably made an accurate assumption and choose not to bring it up, either through fear I may burst into tears (i won't by the way) or because they understand how hard it is and that I don't need the constant reminder that it could be, and most likely will be a difficult journey for us. Now at the not so tender age of 31 I am well and truly hearing the clichéd 'tick tock' of my biological clock as a deafening tone and it's giving me tinnitus.
According to statistics I have a mere 3 years and 9 months before my fertility rate rapidly declines to 35% (its 50% up until your 30's) but that of course doesn't take into consideration the seven rounds of chemo based nasties i've had pumped into me and the amount of potential mini Boardman's it has incinerated.
The reality of what I have to put my body through to have a baby is truly terrifying. I risk plunging myself head first back into the nightmare of 2011, the nightmare of drips, wires, sickness and long stays in hospital combined with a new nightmare of high risk miscarriage, premature birth, pre-eclampsia and renal failure worse than the first time. But whether it be mother nature or completely selfish denial, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is what I am prepared to undertake, no off switch or stop button, no reasoning otherwise.
Until then we work and we save, we go without luxuries, nights outs, holidays and weekends away, we work, we save, we watch everyone else achieve their goal of being parents, we smile, we be happy for them and we hope, with realistic propensity, that not long now, that will be us.
